Mother’s Day can be hard—for other reasons besides missing my mom. That’s because I have another mom—the woman who raised me for my first nine months in utero. She delivered me into this world before we were pulled apart by shady adoption practices in an era when patriarchy was left totally unchecked.
I felt the mother loss throughout my entire life. I wondered about my birth mother constantly. I imagined what she looked like, and if I looked like her. I wondered if she thought of me. I looked to see myself in any older woman I admired. Fantasies held so much promise and power, they ruled.
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Sadly, my mom had unresolved issues of jealousy and felt threatened by my first mother. My closed adoption was not only literal, but also emotional. I opted not to talk about my birth mother because I didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings. But it added a layer of complexity to Mother’s Day—and to my relationship with both mothers every day.
Even now, as an adult, I struggle with fearing I’m hurting one or the other mothers in some way on this loaded occasion that is Mother’s Day. If I celebrate one mother, will the other mother feel left out? Is it dishonoring to one mom to honor the other? How can I honor both mothers?
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Women being jealous of other women is commonplace. My mom was certainly not the first to feel envy of another woman—nor was she the only mom to feel pangs of worry and fear over the thought of losing her daughter to another mother.
In a way, it’s natural. When our hearts dare to love another deeply, the thought of losing that love cuts to the core—and there is almost nothing as fierce as mother-love.
I was reminded of this last night at bedtime, when my young daughter (biological to me) asked me in a whisper, “What’s your greatest fear, Mom?”
Losing you. My heart promptly whispered back. (But sharing this with my daughter in that moment felt inappropriate, so I responded in a murkier way that suggested the same thing.)
Even if fear of loss comes naturally to us as parents, though, that doesn’t make it okay to let fear take hold. Honoring both mothers is not an adopted child’s responsibility. Children are not meant to take care of their parents’ feelings. Children shouldn’t have to choose between mothers—both of whom hold a significant place in their child’s heart.
Today is Birth Mother’s Day. I only learned of this holiday recently, and I love it. It rounds out Mother’s Day weekend. Reaching out to, or talking about, your child’s birth mother today, in that same spirit of appreciation and love intended for Mother’s Day, will not only help lessen the mother-conflict for adoptees, but also remind everyone that that both mothers are part of a team.
As they say, there is strength in numbers, and it is a wonderful thing for a child to feel love for, and to be loved by, both mothers.
