For a while there it seemed like Seattle’s summer just might leave off its coat and stay for a while. But the new chill in the morning air, and at dusk, signals the changing of the seasons.
Officially in fall now, the windows at our house stay sealed shut at night. We’ve piled extra blankets onto the bed. In the wee hours of the morning, our heater kicks in, waking me up a few hours later with that old, familiar electric-heat dry throat and alligator skin. I’ve been turning on the electric heater in the girls’ playroom – a futile effort, really, but I do it anyway, at least keeping tiny toes toasty in the two-foot area the heater effectively warms.
As I’m adding warmth to our house, it reminds me that’s not the only place warmth is needed in a home. The last couple of months have been busy for us – adjusting to preschool routines, a new nanny, and that back-to-work, urgent feeling that projects that had waited so patiently during our playful summer were demanding attention. In the midst of so much activity, it’s easy for me to slip into Business Mode. I’m all about getting it done, lunging from Point A to Point B, and running right through. There’s a lot of energy in that, but sometimes little warmth. After all, warmth requires slowing down.
Even though at times it can be painful to think about slowing down, that’s exactly where my focus has been, in the name of warmth. Warmth, after all, is what we all long for in a relationship. It’s inviting. And it’s what truly invites our children to exist in our company. Just as warmth is essential for plants to grow, it’s essential for our children’s growth.
Exuding warmth, for me, means remembering to look my daughters in their eyes and use a soft voice when I’m telling them to put on their shoes and socks. It’s stopping to really listen to their latest “why” question and generously giving an answer, even if it could open a can of worms and bring on at least twelve more “why” questions I know I won’t have time to answer.
It’s remembering to have that twinkle in my eyes that Dr. Gordon Neufeld so often talks about – impossible to fake, and equally impossible to maintain all day long (or so I’ve found, after futile efforts trying!). But it’s stopping at different points in the day to truly see my daughters for who they are and delighting in them. That’s when my twinkle comes.
One of the great things about twinkles is that they yield almost instantaneous results … but only when you’re not going for results, of course, because kids can sniff out a disingenuous twinkle like a pregnant mama can smell a rotting banana two houses away.
When I’m twinkling from a genuine, heartfelt place, I’m not rushing my daughters to hurry up and finish the run-away-from-Mom game they play when it’s time to get out of their car seats. Instead, I’m warmly asking, “Who’s ready for the back-flip dismount out of the car?” Suddenly, they can’t wait to clamber out. “Me! Me!” they squeal. Results!
I’m not rushing through bedtime rituals, trying to stop my daughter from playing with her inner eyelids when it’s time to brush her teeth. Instead, I’m saying, “Oooh! You’re a scary, red-eyed, drooling monster! Let’s see your toothpaste drool out!” The warmth in that leaves my daughter laughing hysterically. She can’t wait to brush her teeth again the next morning. Results!
When I’m giving my daughters a firm “no,” I’m not doing it with my authoritative, snappy voice. It’s a softer, gentler “no.” It’s a warm “no” that’s welcoming of whatever emotions might arise. It’s a “no” that’s in touch with the empathy I feel for them as they rail against it. It’s a “no” that says I’m in charge and I care … and eventually leads to the softening that they need. Results!
The results aren’t all for the kids, either. The same warmth that’s so essential for my daughters is something I get to bask in, too. It’s so much more fun getting through the day with warmth, versus frenetically making it after pushing and shoving and rushing us through. I feel more affection for my children, as well as fulfillment in my parenting, when I’m sparking up warmth.
Winter is just around the corner. Day by day, it’s getting colder outside. I’ve cranked up the heat a degree or two for our house. But it’s the other kind of warmth that’s really going to keep our home bundled up this winter.
© Sara Easterly. All rights reserved.
This essay was first published as an editorial by the Seattle Neufeld Community.
