ESSAYS & ARTICLES
I have been a writer since third grade, when I first began to make sense of my world through an expression of words. Back then, my stories were held together by common themes of knocking off my little sister or becoming royalty. (My name in Hebrew means ‘princess,’ after all!) While I still enjoy writing fiction, the essays and articles I write now reflect my (hopefully more mature) life themes: most often motherhood, spirituality, adoption, and women’s issues.
The Two-Way Magic of a Bridging Playlist
First published by the Neufeld Institute—I feel fortunate that I discovered the Neufeld approach to parenting when my children were quite young, so I knew that they needed me to help bridge the night. But knowledge wasn’t everything. I had to find my sense of play as a parent, too, lest I frustrate myself and begrudgingly wonder why my children …
“Not My Adoptee!” Yes, Your Adoptee.
Understanding how the effects of adoption trauma can look so good they get missed. First published by Severance Magazine—A common mistake adoptive parents make when hearing adult adoptees speak about adoption trauma is discounting their experiences because “times have changed” or their adoptee hasn’t voiced similar feelings. Some parents will straight-up ask their adopted children if they feel the same way …
Eight Important Dynamics to Consider Before Oversharenting Your Adoption Story
First published by Lavender Luz—Deciding when and how to share our kids’ stories publicly can be tricky for parents to navigate, especially when it seems everyone around us is posting photos and stories of their children online. Kid-focused posts are usually met with adoration from mainstream culture, who cherish a refreshing break from the rest of the feed that is …
An Adoptee’s Apocalypse
First published by Red Letter Christians—Six years ago, I survived an apocalypse. My mom was dying—and while it felt like my entire world was crashing down on me, that wasn’t the apocalypse. But it was the catalyst for it. Even though I survived just fine, and also found myself flourishing afterwards, I’ve only recently learned that an apocalypse isn’t something …
Birthday, Mom-Style
The slow creep started a couple of weeks ago. I often blame it on the days getting shorter. As summer evenings begin to cool and the days grow shorter, at first I ponder whether it’s got something to do with the changing season or the atmospheric pressure. Gradually it builds, this feeling of isolation and loneliness. Rejection seems to seek …
The Dangers of Adoptees as Blessings
First published by Red Letter Christians— “You’re God’s gift to us.” “God brought us together.” “It was God’s will for you to join our family.” Have you ever said things like this to your adopted child? For adoptees like me—growing up in Christian circles where adoption is often presented as biblically sanctioned and as abortion’s golden opposite—these blessing statements are …
Gerber Baby and Adoption Fairy Tales
It’s cool that the first adoptee has been selected for this year’s Gerber Baby contest. Yes, young Magnolia is adorable. But her viral story is what many refer to as an adoption fairy tale—one of many seemingly feel-good news stories that are always centered on the “amazing” adoptive parents’ experience, designed to make society gush. Compliments are usually applied in …
Celebrating Birth Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can be hard—for other reasons besides missing my mom. That’s because I have another mom—the woman who raised me for my first nine months in utero. She delivered me into this world before we were pulled apart by shady adoption practices in an era when patriarchy was left totally unchecked. I felt the mother loss throughout my entire …
Cultivating Connection with a Separation-Saturated Child During Covid-19
First published by Lavender Luz—Being an adult adoptee while being a parent can be an asset. I’m not advocating for trauma as a prerequisite for parenting, but I do think experiencing intense separation as a child has shaped my parenting in significant ways. Because of lived experience I know, on a primal and intuitive level, the importance of attachment. I understand …
Little Fires Everywhere—An Adult Adoptee’s Reflections: Giving Away Precious
Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood …
Little Fires Everywhere—An Adult Adoptee’s Reflections: Narcissism and Mother-Blaming
Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood out …
Little Fires Everywhere—An Adult Adoptee’s Reflections: Surrogacy
Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood …
Fearful Adoptees & the COVID-19 Pandemic: A Guide for Parents
First published by Lavender Luz—As a child, I embodied the role of Fearful Adoptee as if it were a paid Broadway gig. Fretting? Check. Nail-biting? Nailed it. Teeth grinding? In my sleep, baby … though I always slept with my eyes partially open—an unconscious attempt, I now know, at spotting danger coming before it could creep up on me. The …
“Real” Talk in Adoption
First published by Lavender Luz—“I’m going to find my real mom!” I shouted at my adoptive mother when I was teenager. I’d learned that this hurt my adoptive mom’s feelings, and these words, I came to understand, had power. But I didn’t always use these words as a weapon, and deep down, I didn’t intend for them to be. The …
Gold Medal: Illumination Book Awards
I am incredibly touched that Searching for Mom has garnered a gold medal in the memoir category of the Illumination Book Awards, “Shining a Light on Exemplary Christian Books.” What an absolute honor and what fine company I’m among. A part of me wants to keep this on the down-low, after prattling on so much about my journey with this …
Mother-Love Lessons
First published by This Adoptee Life—My domestic U.S. adoption took place in the 1970s when I was two days old. I’d been told it was a “grey-market adoption,” and as a teenager who loved a good story to tell, I relished the avant-garde sound of that. A story with a hint of scandal and intrigue helped make up for the …
Adoptee Memoir Offers Hope and a Chance at Deepening Ties
First published by Psychology Today’s Adoption Diaries—“I have always been a terrible liar. One of the obvious traits good liars possess is an ability to keep secrets. But keeping secrets has never been my forté. It’s always felt wrong to hide things, especially from those closest to me.” These are words from my newly released memoir, Searching for Mom. Despite …
Addressing the Religious Elephant in the Room … Er, Book
Searching for Mom is a spiritual memoir. I want to be forthright in letting you know that. My story is about many things: my mother-longing as an adoptee and my search for my first mother; experiencing the premature death of my mom while trying to make sense of our complicated mother-daughter relationship; my struggles with faith as impacted by my …
Giving This Girl a Voice
Never did I imagine I’d do this, but I am independently publishing Searching for Mom. I’ve spent the last 20 years earnestly dedicated to traditional publishing. I poured my heart into leading the Western Washington chapter of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI). I worked in publishing as a publicist. I’ve supported multiple New York Times bestselling …
Hoodies and Burgermaster: A Mother-Daughter Story
I’ve been wearing my mom’s “Transplant Recipient” hoodie a lot lately while I’m at home writing. It helps me feel close to her—which I like, especially with our mother-daughter book releasing next week. I didn’t realize I’d still had my hoodie on when I took the kids to the Burgermaster drive-in the other day. “I’m glad you’re still here,” the …
Dear Adoption, You Are Cigarette Smoke
First published by Dear Adoption—Dear Adoption, you are like a cigarette I had no choice but to inhale. Your smoke is infused inside of me—not just in my lungs but also in my heart, my memories, my wounds, and my words. Exhale, and out you flow, affecting others around me, especially those closest to me. As an adopted mother, you …
Moses and Me: A Biblical and Personal Case for Honoring Birth Mothers
First published by Godspace—November is National Adoption Awareness Month in the U.S. – a good time for adoptive parents to grow their awareness around the importance of honoring birth mothers. I’ll make my case, first and foremost, by going biblical. Moses is the first abandoned baby mentioned in the Bible (Exodus 2). Moses gets a lot of airtime throughout the …
A Mother’s Prayer
First published by Godspace and Her View From Home—God, help me remember the great honor it is to have these children in my life.When I’m full of frustration because the kids don’t listen, or they talk back, or they fight with each other, or fight with me, help me to pause, to breathe, to forgive, to gently guide, and always, …
The Privilege of Sin
First published by Godspace—For the last couple of years, and especially this year since reading Ijeoma Oluo’s So You Want to Talk About Race, I’ve been trying to ponder and deeply explore privilege. I don’t mean this as a brag in any way, but I’m overflowing with the stuff – in so many areas of my life. I am embarrassed …
Destroying Patriarchy with its Gift
First published by Feminine Collective—Why am I so triggered by the Kavanaugh news? Why can’t I pull myself away from it all? “Did someone ever sexually assault you?” my husband worries over tea this morning after I wake up at 4:16 am, feeling helpless and unable to sleep. “No,” I say. “But I know these kinds of guys. I went …
A Reason to Ski
First published by the Neufeld Institute—I’m on my way up to the mountains with my husband and two young daughters. It’s early. Still a bit dark. That’s how it is this time of year – January, on the other side of the winter solstice, and yet not very far from the shortest, and darkest, day of the year. That’s how …
Grieving in the Midst of Our Children
First published by the Neufeld Institute—I cried all the way to school drop-off this morning. My daughters, buckled in their booster seats in our minivan, heard the voice of Hillary Rodham Clinton playing through the car radio as together we listened to her concession speech. My seven- and eight-year-olds glanced back and forth from each other, then back to me, …
From ‘The Dungeon’ to the Desired: One School’s Incredible Transformation
First published by the Neufeld Institute—Six years ago, Neufeld faculty member Martine Demers took on a particularly noteworthy challenge: helping to turn around a K-6 elementary school nobody wanted. Over the 20 years that Martine has been the behavioural consultant at her school board in Quebec, she’s certainly run into her share of challenges. How could she not encounter some …
Gail in My Heart
First published by the Neufeld Institute—It’s children’s book season. The Caldecott and Newbery awards have just been announced, so it’s the time of year that Gail Carney and I are usually discussing the books – and their art and authors – that garnered the industry’s prestigious awards from the American Library Association. This year, I beamed with joy when one …
Carry On, Holding On
My mom died five months ago. As could only be expected, the months following her death have been intense. There’s been a lot of grief to wade through, grief that comes in many flavors — saccharine to stinging, buttery to bland. It’s one of life’s ultimate futilities, losing a loved one — a mother, no less — to death. I …
Bouncing off to Kindergarten
My firstborn daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow and my feelings, like hers, are a big ball of contradictions. Besides logistical worries that are sure to work themselves out in the first week or so, all of my feelings bounce down to two questions. Is she ready? Am I? Tonight the Tooth Fairy will stop by our home for the fifth visit …
Getting to the Happiest Place on Earth
After a multi-year marital campaign, I finally convinced my husband to say yes to a family vacation at Disneyland. Disneyland’s official tagline is “The Happiest Place on Earth.” My desire to travel there with my family wasn’t about seeking happiness, exactly. But I confess that spending months thinking about and planning for the trip did indeed bring me joyful moments …
A Culture of Invitation
In anticipation of Pamela Whyte’s Inviting the Whole Child presentation in Seattle coming up this Sunday, I’ve been planning to write about invitation. I confess, though, that it’s taken me three starts at this post to turn off the judgmental nag in my head who’s peering over my shoulder as I type. “You lost it yesterday when the girls were …
Lifelong Love of Learning
Kindergarten is just around the corner for my daughter. Like any parent, I have a deep desire to see her budding emergence evolve into a lifelong love for learning. While I know schooling is just one aspect of this, it’s a significant one. And so, in an effort to find the right fit, I’ve been touring schools. With so many …
My Photo Lessons
I have mixed feelings when it comes to taking photos of my children. Like any proud mama, I want to capture all the big – and the small! – moments in their lives. I can’t stop time like I wish I could. It’s impossible to “freeze-frame” my children, or our family experiences, as I’ve yearned to do at many different …
Driving the Maze
I’ve just returned home from a 10-day road trip with my husband and our two preschoolers. In that time, we traversed more than 1,800 miles and spent over 30 hours in a minivan as we covered three states – spending most of our time in Montana for visits with 29 people from both my adoptive and birth families, plus dear …
Imperfectly Perfect Bunk Beds
The other day my four-year-old was playing on the floor with Bristle Blocks while I fiddled around nearby, picking up the house. She told me she was making a bunk bed, but I could see her struggling with its structural soundness, growing more and more frustrated each time the structure crashed. It didn’t take long before she called for help …
Staying Warm This Season
For a while there it seemed like Seattle’s summer just might leave off its coat and stay for a while. But the new chill in the morning air, and at dusk, signals the changing of the seasons. Officially in fall now, the windows at our house stay sealed shut at night. We’ve piled extra blankets onto the bed. In the …
Slacklining It
A trendy sport at Seattle parks these days is slacklining – similar to tightrope walking, only it involves balancing on a belt strap that’s stretched between two attachment points, like trees. It’s also different from tightrope walking because the line isn’t rigidly taut; it stretches and bounces like a long, narrow trampoline. While I’ve yet to give it a go, …
Out-of-Control Camping
Okay, people. You need to know that I’m conquering major feelings of personal inadequacy by writing a post with the word “camping” in the title. Even though I’ve gradually been learning to enjoy the sport, let’s just say camping isn’t exactly my forte. It is, however, my husband’s. While we camped quite a bit* pre-kids, I’ve not felt up to …
Believing You’re Mom Enough
First published by the Neufeld Institute—In the last month there’s been an intense amount of media scrutiny on parenting. Early in May, Elisabeth Badinter released her latest book, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. Shortly thereafter, Time magazine ran a cover story “Are You Mom Enough?” – the attention-grabbing headline flanking an equally attention-grabbing image of …
Softening by a Summer Splinter
My eldest daughter returned home from our family vacation last weekend with a half-inch splinter in her palm and I did a happy dance (even if just in my mind). Don’t get me wrong. The last thing I want is to see my daughter, who’s three-and-a-half, in any kind of physical pain. Pain aside, though, that splinter was a gift …
Extending the Reach of Your Book’s Publicity
**First published by Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators. The abridged version below is included with permission.** The children’s book market is exploding. In a time when there’s a huge amount of competition for children’s attention, that’s fantastic news! No matter how kids are reading—through traditional books or through their parents’ iPads—they’re reading. In a fall 2010 survey by …
Creating an Author Podcast
**First published by the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators Bulletin.** More and more authors are diving into the enormous iTunes market and having a whale of a time with their pods—podcasts, that is. Podcasts are a fantastic book marketing tool because they’re low in production costs, high in return, and hot with teens and kids. Within days, you …