ADOPTEE | MOTHER | WRITER

First published by the Neufeld Institute—I feel fortunate that I discovered the Neufeld approach to parenting when my children were quite young, so I knew that they needed me to help bridge the night. But knowledge wasn’t everything. I had to find my sense of play as a parent, too, lest I frustrate myself and begrudgingly wonder why my children …

Understanding how the effects of adoption trauma can look so good they get missed. First published by Severance Magazine—A common mistake adoptive parents make when hearing adult adoptees speak about adoption trauma is discounting their experiences because “times have changed” or their adoptee hasn’t voiced similar feelings. Some parents will straight-up ask their adopted children if they feel the same way …

First published by Lavender Luz—Deciding when and how to share our kids’ stories publicly can be tricky for parents to navigate, especially when it seems everyone around us is posting photos and stories of their children online. Kid-focused posts are usually met with adoration from mainstream culture, who cherish a refreshing break from the rest of the feed that is …

First published by Red Letter Christians—Six years ago, I survived an apocalypse. My mom was dying—and while it felt like my entire world was crashing down on me, that wasn’t the apocalypse. But it was the catalyst for it. Even though I survived just fine, and also found myself flourishing afterwards, I’ve only recently learned that an apocalypse isn’t something …

First published by Red Letter Christians— “You’re God’s gift to us.” “God brought us together.” “It was God’s will for you to join our family.” Have you ever said things like this to your adopted child? For adoptees like me—growing up in Christian circles where adoption is often presented as biblically sanctioned and as abortion’s golden opposite—these blessing statements are …

It’s cool that the first adoptee has been selected for this year’s Gerber Baby contest. Yes, young Magnolia is adorable. But her viral story is what many refer to as an adoption fairy tale—one of many seemingly feel-good news stories that are always centered on the “amazing” adoptive parents’ experience, designed to make society gush. Compliments are usually applied in …

Mother’s Day can be hard—for other reasons besides missing my mom. That’s because I have another mom—the woman who raised me for my first nine months in utero. She delivered me into this world before we were pulled apart by shady adoption practices in an era when patriarchy was left totally unchecked. I felt the mother loss throughout my entire …

First published by Lavender Luz—Being an adult adoptee while being a parent can be an asset. I’m not advocating for trauma as a prerequisite for parenting, but I do think experiencing intense separation as a child has shaped my parenting in significant ways. Because of lived experience I know, on a primal and intuitive level, the importance of attachment. I understand …

Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood …

Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood out …

Both the Hulu series and book by Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere, have sparked a blaze in me as I devoured both from the perspective of an adult adoptee, mother, daughter, and writer. In celebration of both the book and the on-screen adaptation, over the next several days I’ll be sharing some of my reflections on various themes that stood …

First published by Lavender Luz—As a child, I embodied the role of Fearful Adoptee as if it were a paid Broadway gig. Fretting? Check. Nail-biting? Nailed it. Teeth grinding? In my sleep, baby … though I always slept with my eyes partially open—an unconscious attempt, I now know, at spotting danger coming before it could creep up on me. The …

I am incredibly touched that Searching for Mom has garnered a gold medal in the memoir category of the Illumination Book Awards, “Shining a Light on Exemplary Christian Books.” What an absolute honor and what fine company I’m among. A part of me wants to keep this on the down-low, after prattling on so much about my journey with this …

Searching for Mom is a spiritual memoir. I want to be forthright in letting you know that. My story is about many things: my mother-longing as an adoptee and my search for my first mother; experiencing the premature death of my mom while trying to make sense of our complicated mother-daughter relationship; my struggles with faith as impacted by my …

I’ve been wearing my mom’s “Transplant Recipient” hoodie a lot lately while I’m at home writing. It helps me feel close to her—which I like, especially with our mother-daughter book releasing next week. I didn’t realize I’d still had my hoodie on when I took the kids to the Burgermaster drive-in the other day. “I’m glad you’re still here,” the …

First published by Dear Adoption—Dear Adoption, you are like a cigarette I had no choice but to inhale. Your smoke is infused inside of me—not just in my lungs but also in my heart, my memories, my wounds, and my words. Exhale, and out you flow, affecting others around me, especially those closest to me. As an adopted mother, you …

First published by Godspace—November is National Adoption Awareness Month in the U.S. – a good time for adoptive parents to grow their awareness around the importance of honoring birth mothers. I’ll make my case, first and foremost, by going biblical. Moses is the first abandoned baby mentioned in the Bible (Exodus 2). Moses gets a lot of airtime throughout the …

First published by Godspace and Her View From Home—God, help me remember the great honor it is to have these children in my life.When I’m full of frustration because the kids don’t listen, or they talk back, or they fight with each other, or fight with me, help me to pause, to breathe, to forgive, to gently guide, and always, …

First published by the Neufeld Institute—I’m on my way up to the mountains with my husband and two young daughters. It’s early. Still a bit dark. That’s how it is this time of year – January, on the other side of the winter solstice, and yet not very far from the shortest, and darkest, day of the year. That’s how …

First published by the Neufeld Institute—I cried all the way to school drop-off this morning. My daughters, buckled in their booster seats in our minivan, heard the voice of Hillary Rodham Clinton playing through the car radio as together we listened to her concession speech. My seven- and eight-year-olds glanced back and forth from each other, then back to me, …

My mom died five months ago. As could only be expected, the months following her death have been intense. There’s been a lot of grief to wade through, grief that comes in many flavors — saccharine to stinging, buttery to bland. It’s one of life’s ultimate futilities, losing a loved one — a mother, no less — to death. I …

My firstborn daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow and my feelings, like hers, are a big ball of contradictions. Besides logistical worries that are sure to work themselves out in the first week or so, all of my feelings bounce down to two questions. Is she ready? Am I? Tonight the Tooth Fairy will stop by our home for the fifth visit …

After a multi-year marital campaign, I finally convinced my husband to say yes to a family vacation at Disneyland. Disneyland’s official tagline is “The Happiest Place on Earth.” My desire to travel there with my family wasn’t about seeking happiness, exactly. But I confess that spending months thinking about and planning for the trip did indeed bring me joyful moments …

In anticipation of Pamela Whyte’s Inviting the Whole Child presentation in Seattle coming up this Sunday, I’ve been planning to write about invitation. I confess, though, that it’s taken me three starts at this post to turn off the judgmental nag in my head who’s peering over my shoulder as I type. “You lost it yesterday when the girls were …

Kindergarten is just around the corner for my daughter. Like any parent, I have a deep desire to see her budding emergence evolve into a lifelong love for learning. While I know schooling is just one aspect of this, it’s a significant one. And so, in an effort to find the right fit, I’ve been touring schools. With so many …

I have mixed feelings when it comes to taking photos of my children. Like any proud mama, I want to capture all the big – and the small! – moments in their lives. I can’t stop time like I wish I could. It’s impossible to “freeze-frame” my children, or our family experiences, as I’ve yearned to do at many different …

I’ve just returned home from a 10-day road trip with my husband and our two preschoolers. In that time, we traversed more than 1,800 miles and spent over 30 hours in a minivan as we covered three states – spending most of our time in Montana for visits with 29 people from both my adoptive and birth families, plus dear …

The other day my four-year-old was playing on the floor with Bristle Blocks while I fiddled around nearby, picking up the house. She told me she was making a bunk bed, but I could see her struggling with its structural soundness, growing more and more frustrated each time the structure crashed. It didn’t take long before she called for help …

For a while there it seemed like Seattle’s summer just might leave off its coat and stay for a while. But the new chill in the morning air, and at dusk, signals the changing of the seasons. Officially in fall now, the windows at our house stay sealed shut at night. We’ve piled extra blankets onto the bed. In the …

A trendy sport at Seattle parks these days is slacklining – similar to tightrope walking, only it involves balancing on a belt strap that’s stretched between two attachment points, like trees. It’s also different from tightrope walking because the line isn’t rigidly taut; it stretches and bounces like a long, narrow trampoline. While I’ve yet to give it a go, …

Okay, people. You need to know that I’m conquering major feelings of personal inadequacy by writing a post with the word “camping” in the title. Even though I’ve gradually been learning to enjoy the sport, let’s just say camping isn’t exactly my forte. It is, however, my husband’s. While we camped quite a bit* pre-kids, I’ve not felt up to …

First published by the Neufeld Institute—In the last month there’s been an intense amount of media scrutiny on parenting. Early in May, Elisabeth Badinter released her latest book, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. Shortly thereafter, Time magazine ran a cover story “Are You Mom Enough?” – the attention-grabbing headline flanking an equally attention-grabbing image of …

My eldest daughter returned home from our family vacation last weekend with a half-inch splinter in her palm and I did a happy dance (even if just in my mind). Don’t get me wrong. The last thing I want is to see my daughter, who’s three-and-a-half, in any kind of physical pain. Pain aside, though, that splinter was a gift …